EZFKA

Victorian parents will be able to access free childcare only at centres across the state that are staffed exclusively by paedophiles posing as entertainers.

From next month, shoppers will only be allowed to pay by facial recognition, with those who pay with cash instantly apprehended and sent to camps in China’s Xinjiang Province.

EZFKNZ PM Jacinda Ardern brokered the deal last week in New York, after a meeting with CEO Larry Fink to save NZ’s housing market and rescue the land-owning class. The deal also secures exclusive naming rights for BlackRock to the North Island.

Chris Carnegie, from Lismore, lost his house, small business and all of his possessions in the flooding and has been living in a tent for weeks with no assistance from government or anyone else.

The self-described ‘insufferable fuckwit’ stated that Australians needed to rethink their lifestyle and consumption habits if they can’t afford it. Cannon-Brookes used the opportunity to promote his personal investments of cricket flour while eating a gas-cooked bbq snag from his local RSL.

Jane Crenshaw, from Indooripilly, who tweeted ‘GREENSLAND’ just after the election, further tweeted that having no electricity was just the price to pay to save the planet.