EZFKA

Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews is reportedly upset about the odds and has vowed to double down until the award is announced in late December.

Claims of ‘right-wing extremism’ and a rise in ‘angry, anti-government rhetoric online’ has caused concern for authoritarians across the nation, with calls from security contract lobbyists for added protection for MP’s.

Wentworth Liberal MP and former ambassador to Israel Dave Sharma welcomed the study’s findings, saying it will help him to ‘solidify his already burgeoning share portfolio.’

Victorian Governor Linda Dessau has been reported missing to Victoria Police, after not being seen in 18 months while the Andrews government turns into Romania 2.0

“I think we can put to bed that whole ‘rugged Aussie bloke’ stereotype that questions authority, which is really only found in regional parts of Qld and WA these days. Most of them have turned into effeminate soft cocks who will do what they’re told by some public servant, at the drop of a hat.”

Citizens broke out into panic and confusion, with many unable to breathe or put one foot in front of the other. Already overwhelmed hospitals were overwhelmed with injuries from those that fell over from forgetting how to walk.

John Howard said he was concerned with the study and will look at ways to increase further fear of firearms, including a ‘potential Port Arthur 2.0.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with taking a few precautions, much like John Howard wearing a vest in Sale in 1996,” Morrison said.

“I mean, it will only create a giant centralised information hub that can ban you from society at the push of a button for saying something we don’t like online, but remember it’s total optional.”

“Everyone in the room was shocked, they’d been asking Dorothy Dixers and leading questions for months,” Stevenson said.

“Whether it’s Dr Norman Swan getting it wrong all the time, the Doherty Institute’s cash-for-comment alarmism or any state premier press conference, there is a dearth of content to choose from,” a spokesman said.

The study, conducted by the Rodney King Institute, found that violence only begins once Victoria Police arrive and open fire on unarmed protestors.

“I’d like to make the point again, we spent the last 18 months destroying your lives, so you should be grateful you’re getting freedoms back that aren’t ours to give back anyway.”

“If you’ve ordered a latte and it’s really a cappuccino then you will be dealt with,” Commissioner Shane Patton said.

“All we did was continually poll a bunch of frightened middle-class public servants and formulate policy off of that. What other possibility was there?”

“It’s becoming increasingly hard to stay within the monetised YouTube algorithm, while delivering ‘edgy’ takes on team red vs team blue politics. I was funny years ago, but now most intelligent people have moved on,” Shanks said.

EZFKA PM Scott Morrison and Greens’ leader Adam Bandt have announced a historic merger after realising their open borders, employment and climate policies are identical. The two parties announced the merger at the climate conference in Glasgow this morning, right after the LNP and ALP merged last month. It is also believed “The New Liberals” … Read more

“I’m delighted to facilitate the silent overthrow of the least densely populated territory in Australia, which contains a large number of our key defence facilities.”

Morrison, who is currently in the process of amending the Biosecurity Act to detain large groups of people, said the book would be censored immediately to keep the public safe.

“People still naively believe in these institutions and that anything will happen to these people, well they’d be insanely wrong,” a spokesman for IBAC said.

Senior Constable Chris Kennedy, of the Dandenong Police Station, said chronic fatigue was setting in after rounding up over 200 people in the last week and charging them for ‘incitement.’

“No-one will ever know what the real statistics are and how would you know anyway, we’ll just claim anything and repeat it a million times through the media until the midwits repeat it as gospel too.”

“Never have we seen so many people needing peer validation for undergoing a medical procedure. Want to know if they’ve been vaccinated? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you,” Dr Nick Berenson said.

The staircase also known as John, which Andrews claims he slipped on and caused his six-month absence from politics, was issued the subpoena last night and has agreed to go on record before IBAC.