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Bandt, speaking from his private charter jet on with Sarah Hanson-Young, called for all volcanoes to be permanently imploded as well as a ban on lava.

As the price drops below $90USD a ton, McGowan says he’s been doing everything he can to come across as a right prick, particularly when it comes to keeping the border closed.

Protestors have vowed to bring a guillotine and are believed to be sourcing a wall for a firing squad, once trials across Australia are completed.

The controversial legislation, which saw record protests on the weekend, will be watered down initially to placate the public. The full raft of measures is estimated to pass around January when people aren’t paying attention.

It is believed that a trending Twitter hashtag acted as a trigger which drove McCrone over the edge, after 48 hours claiming to see ‘far right QAnon extremists everywhere.’

General duties officers say they’re powerless to stop crooks and that Police command directives are a boon for criminals.

After a record number of protestors braved the cold weather to object to the pandemic legislation, experts from the Everything That’s Not Left Is Far Right Institute say that the far right have taken over Victoria by stealth and that drastic measures were needed.

Andrews, who was believed to be isolating with hurt feelings, says he will be looking into indefinite detention for any non-state media that attend press conferences.

The Premier has still not provided the health advice that was required under a court order, with government solicitors believed to be furiously copying and pasting some shit from Wikipedia and Google.

Buttrose also said that condescending lectures from Virginia Trioli, Patricia Karvelas and Julia Baird was it’s ‘highest rating content in Sydney and Melbourne.’

‘I’m really excited. Lockdown really made me miss that constant disappointment of never owning private property,’ Chris Foley, Sydney local, said.