Melbourne protestors slammed for not bringing enough nooses
Protestors have vowed to bring a guillotine and are believed to be sourcing a wall for a firing squad, once trials across Australia are completed.
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Andrews agrees to amend pandemic legislation and then pass the full bill later when no-one is paying attention
The controversial legislation, which saw record protests on the weekend, will be watered down initially to placate the public. The full raft of measures is estimated to pass around January when people aren’t paying attention.
Jessie ‘PRGuy’ McCrone committed for psychiatric assessment after claiming to see QAnon members everywhere
It is believed that a trending Twitter hashtag acted as a trigger which drove McCrone over the edge, after 48 hours claiming to see ‘far right QAnon extremists everywhere.’
Melbourne criminals start wearing red shirts so Victoria Police won’t arrest them
General duties officers say they’re powerless to stop crooks and that Police command directives are a boon for criminals.
ABC News experts say Melbourne protests show far-right extremists have completely taken over Victoria
After a record number of protestors braved the cold weather to object to the pandemic legislation, experts from the Everything That’s Not Left Is Far Right Institute say that the far right have taken over Victoria by stealth and that drastic measures were needed.
Progressives Cancel PVO
Once a darling of Australian progressives, Peter Van Onselen (PVO) has performed the greatest heel turn since Hulk Hogan after taking legal action against Professor Gemma Carey over a defamatory Twitter comment and photo. The photo in question included a young Christian Porter, Nick Coatesworth, Ainslie van Onlsen and PVO. For legal reasons we are … Read more
Experts say protestors at Parliament House and Bendigo were ‘clearly in support of Daniel Andrews’
Andrews, who was believed to be isolating with hurt feelings, says he will be looking into indefinite detention for any non-state media that attend press conferences.
Andrews says he will release health advice ‘when they’ve actually written it up’
The Premier has still not provided the health advice that was required under a court order, with government solicitors believed to be furiously copying and pasting some shit from Wikipedia and Google.
ABC News to terminate straight white male on-air talent as part of new diversity policy
Buttrose also said that condescending lectures from Virginia Trioli, Patricia Karvelas and Julia Baird was it’s ‘highest rating content in Sydney and Melbourne.’
Australian millennials excited for borders to re-open so they can be outbid at auctions again by foreign money
‘I’m really excited. Lockdown really made me miss that constant disappointment of never owning private property,’ Chris Foley, Sydney local, said.
Australians line up to donate their booster shots to Peter Fitzsimons
Fitzsimons, who said on Twitter that he was ‘happy to receive a booster shot’, has received an overwhelming number of vaccines delivered to his mansion in eastern Sydney.
Morrison set to announce unvaccinated Australians to be added to domestic terror list
The bipartisan move comes as MP’s call for help after protests and general discontent among the populace grows. The unvaccinated will join religious groups, renters and the working-class poor on the watch list.