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“No-one will ever know what the real statistics are and how would you know anyway, we’ll just claim anything and repeat it a million times through the media until the midwits repeat it as gospel too.”

“Never have we seen so many people needing peer validation for undergoing a medical procedure. Want to know if they’ve been vaccinated? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you,” Dr Nick Berenson said.

The staircase also known as John, which Andrews claims he slipped on and caused his six-month absence from politics, was issued the subpoena last night and has agreed to go on record before IBAC.

“We only saw blatant corruption activities from Indians, Cambodians and Vietnamese. This is clearly discriminatory to all other migrant groups,” Diversity Council CEO Ben Schafer said.

“Kerry really gave the game away when she muttered New World Order at the press conference a few weeks ago,” Premier Dominic Perrottet said.

“It’s a tell-all book from my journey on my knees in the dark rooms of Fyshick to being on my knees worshipping the dark lord in Spring Street,” Patten said.

Coming off the back of it’s cringey “Mask Up and Melbourne On” campaign, the convicted rapist will star in a series of ads urging Victorians to disrobe and insert something into their bodies against their will in order to feed their families.

“We’re proud to announce that no man may buy or sell, save he who have the mark of the vaccine passport,” Morrison said.

“We’ve just spent the last 18 months bankrupting everyone with complete bullshit to the point of being unable to pay your mortgage. So, here we come with the prepared solution and this is how we’ll get your house, I mean, help realise the Aussie dream.”