Fiona Patten enters Witness Protection Program after signing Victorian SOE extension

Reason Party MLC Fiona Patten has entered Victoria Police protection this evening, after deleting all of her social media accounts and disappearing from the internet, claiming ‘trolls.’ However, Patten is believed to have already signed the extension to the state of emergency powers, and has sought Police protection from the impending wave of pitchforks and … Read more

NSW ICU’s overrun with journalists attempting self-harm after Sydney residents ignore lockdown

ICU’s at NSW’s hospitals are at breaking point this evening with a record number of admissions for self-harm from mainstream media journalists, after witnessing Sydney residents telling them to get fucked over lockdown. Journalists from across the media were admitted to ICU’s across Sydney, sparking a crisis and condemnation for ‘taking up ICU spots.’ “It’s … Read more

AFL Grand Final to be played over six weeks after McGowan demands 14 days hotel quarantine between quarters

The first EZFKAFL Grand Final in Perth will be played over a six-week period, after Premier Mark McGowan ruled players will be required to quarantine for 14 days between quarters. McGowan is also demanding that players wear masks on the field at all times and that he reserved the right to cancel the game at … Read more

Chant, Sutton, Wiemar to headline 2022 Melbourne International Comedy Festival

Chief Health Officers in respective EZFKA states have been announced as headline acts for the 2022 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. The 2022 event, sponsored by Pfizer, will feature the best of Australia’s material from daily press conferences performed live. “It’s been non-stop comedy gold every day at 11am, so we thought why don’t we ask … Read more