Brett Sutton reveals “COVID Strain Name Generator” supercomputer used for determining arbitrary lockdowns

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Exclusive: Victorian CMO Brett Sutton has given reporters an exclusive look at the supercomputer responsible for generating superfluous reasoning for ongoing lockdowns in Victoria. The supercomputer, alluded to by Premier Daniel Andrews last year and developed in conjunction with the CCP, generates random names for COVID strains and calculates just how many cases are needed … Read more

The Show Trial of Derek Chauvin

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Derek Chauvin has been found guilty by a jury of his ‘peers’ of second degree murder, third degree murder, and manslaughter (!) almost one year after the death of patron saint and didndunuffin exemplar George Floyd within his custody. For those of you unfamiliar, George Floyd was an alleged perp and ex convicted perp of … Read more

Weekend Links, June 5-6, 2021

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Monkey Throwing Poop

Welcome to the Weekend Links for June 5-6, 2021! We are very happy you decided to join the motley crew here, and hope you have a good time flinging poo around! This weekend seems weird. The world is weird too – calm before the storm and all that. News is slowly stopping making any sense … Read more

Sydney house prices up 150% after Chinese nuclear strike hits CBD

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Property prices in Sydney have exploded to all-time highs after China launched a nuclear first strike on the east coast EZFKA city. After both countries traded firey rhetoric all week, China finally called Australia’s bluff and launched a first strike against Australia’s most populous city. Minutes after the ICBM impacted downtown Sydney, Domain recorded a … Read more

Coles, Woolworths report Mehreen Faruqi’s new book sold out as Melbourne’s toilet paper shortage worsens

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Greens Senator Mehreen Faruqi has timed the release of her new book “Too Migrant, Too Muslim, Too Loud” to perfection it seems as supermarkets across Melbourne have reported it sold out, as toilet paper shortages return to the EZFKA city. Coles and Woolworths have reported that sales of the book have been through the roof … Read more

Middle-class crushing lockdowns will continue until Victorians submit to vaccine, says Merlino

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Acting Victorian Premier James Merlino has stated that arbitrary lockdowns targeting the middle class will continue, until enough Victorians submit to experimental COVID vaccines. In the face of Victoria’s imploding economy, Merlino has stated that Victoria’s small businesses will be wearing the brunt of the losses if there is no uptake in vaccines. “As the … Read more

Morrison says Australians will need a vaccine jab for all 204 countries and their respective variants

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EZFKA Prime Minister Scott Morrison has stated that Australians will require regular vaccine updates for all 204 countries and variants of COVID, as they arise. With new COVID threats emerging every week, the Prime Minister has found innovative new ways to get on top of it in spite of hotel quarantine and get Aussies lining … Read more

Study finds wearing high visibility clothing on Melbourne construction sites provides complete immunity from COVID

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A new study has found that construction workers in the EZFKA city of Melbourne are completely immune to COVID during lockdowns. The study, conducted by the Lowy Institute and Property Council of Australia, found that tradies working on construction sites wearing high visibility clothing were 100% immune to all strains of COVID. Acting Premier James … Read more