Albanese in isolation after testing positive for elevated levels of oestrogen
The PM hopeful tested positive last night and will be off the campaign trail for a week, depending on “how much of a pussy he’s feeling like later in the week.”
Satire
Greens announce new “Anti-White Australia” immigration policy of deporting all white Australians by 2025
The plan will see the new quarantine camps built used to round up white Australians and ship them off to any country that will take them, ‘preferably non-white.’
Labor scrambling to find out who the fuck thought it was a good idea to have Albo at industry event that ALP helped destroy the past two years
“We like to market ourselves as the cool party, when in actual fact we’re just a different flavour of the same turd.”
Zali Steggall says she’ll stand up for gender equality by letting men invade women’s sports
The MP was under fire this week for suggesting opposition to transmen playing women’s sports was purely transphobia and that young women should allow themselves to be injured against men.
Victorian Commonwealth Games cancelled after realisation no athletes will be left alive to compete by then
Even free aspirin and defibrillators wasn’t enough to persuade the Commonwealth Games committee, who promptly decided to terminate the contract and save tax payers and hospitals the trouble.
Bikram looking forward to preying on women again after Australia announces new Indian Yoga Instructor Visa
The first wave of Yoga Instructors are expected to commence driving Uber and fucking up deliveries for Australia Post in the next few months.
Scomo cooks curry to celebrate selling out Australian working class to India
“How good is a curry and offshoring an Australian job to India? It only tastes better when you’re bringing Indians onshore to take Australian jobs,” Morrison said in a Facebook post.
Labor to crack down on skilled working visa rorts by offering instant citizenship to all migrants
“Instead of migrants coming here to take jobs and opportunities away from young Australians, increase house prices and destroy wages temporarily, let’s give them the opportunity to do that on a permanent basis forever,” Keneally said.
Albo slams Solomon Islands deal, offers Tasmania to China in response
The deal will extend China’s growing foothold in the Pacific region. However, Albanese says if elected he will offer President Xi the state of Tasmania as a sweetener with plans for a permanent navy base in Hobart.
Pfizer named official sponsor of all Australian state funerals until 2030
Premier Daniel Andrews has also announced that the Great Southern Stand at the MCG will be renamed the ‘Pfizer SK Warne Stand’.
Zali Steggall tells working-class man at service station to ‘just buy an electric car’ to combat fuel inflation
Meanwhile, Josh Frydenberg has unveiled new ‘petrol mortgages’ to help the ‘average EZFKA unit realise the Australian dream of a full tank of petrol.’
Mike Cannon-Brookes calls Klaus Schwab for further advice on how to undermine Australia’s energy security
The 2009 World Economic Forum Young Leader held a two hour teleconference with Schwab, discussing ways to send Australia back to the stone age and expedite the Great Reset.