Satire

Somyurek filed his vaccination papers today indicating he can attend parliament to vote. Andrews has offered cash payments of $100,000 to any Police member who takes out Somyurek within 100 metres of parliament house, with a free red shirt for any head shot.

Plibersek was honoured to accept the awards, however was disappointed that she couldn’t have done less during her tenure.

John Roberts, 47, watched his pet staffy Woofa die a slow, painful death due to a stomach infection, after several vets refuse to treat him due to his unvaccinated status.

It is understood that Catherine Andrews has reservations about moving to Beijing, due to the ‘high volume of traffic and number of cyclists.’

The gallows brought to the protest on Saturday was widely panned for being more ‘symbolic than functional’ and that it would be ‘impossible to actually hang anyone from.’ However, a separate one brought to the protest last night received critical acclaim for it’s functionality and realism.

Bandt, speaking from his private charter jet on with Sarah Hanson-Young, called for all volcanoes to be permanently imploded as well as a ban on lava.

As the price drops below $90USD a ton, McGowan says he’s been doing everything he can to come across as a right prick, particularly when it comes to keeping the border closed.

Protestors have vowed to bring a guillotine and are believed to be sourcing a wall for a firing squad, once trials across Australia are completed.

The controversial legislation, which saw record protests on the weekend, will be watered down initially to placate the public. The full raft of measures is estimated to pass around January when people aren’t paying attention.

It is believed that a trending Twitter hashtag acted as a trigger which drove McCrone over the edge, after 48 hours claiming to see ‘far right QAnon extremists everywhere.’

General duties officers say they’re powerless to stop crooks and that Police command directives are a boon for criminals.