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Brian Smallton, 28, was surfing with a mate off the coast when the great white attacked him, killing him almost instantly.

“I’m due for another pay rise this week, so that will really send the message to those doing the wrong thing that the fines will be increased proportionally to cover it.”

“If it’s high debt, high immigration and housing – we have you covered. There’s no real need to continue the pretense that there is a difference anymore,” Morrison said.

Modelled ‘in the true spirit of Bolshevism’ the facility will have armed guards, towers, razor wire and a ‘world class execution pit’ that will be able to process several political dissidents a day.

The former SBS presenter has denied that his support for resettlement for migrants ahead of the bankrupt middle-class, was purely a self-aggrandizing wank egged on by blue checkmarks and that he had no real idea about the nuances, costs and consequences of mass immigration.

“This is outrageous. People should be compensated for being lazy, hypochondriac arseholes that want everyone else to wear the risk while businesses are ruined,” Bandt said in a Facebook post.

“The wards are overwhelmed with snitches suffering serious facial injuries and we’re suffering a serious shortage of gauze and stitches. It’s a crisis,” NSW Health Minister Brad Hazzard said.

“This is absolutely disgraceful. Our officers are highly trained in shooting dogs for no reason and we weren’t consulted or given the opportunity to do so,” Fuller said.

“Bloody protestors putting us all at risk. They’re exactly the reason I can’t go on my caravan holiday to the Barossa Valley or the cruise to Fiji I had planned. Lock’em all up and throw away the key,” Robertson said.

“It wasn’t one of our run-of-the-mill satanic rituals that we usually broadcast prior to QandA, and this one had not been through the proper censorship screening. We’re currently consulting with lawyers from jeffrey Epstein’s estate and will release further statements later.”