Satire

Chief Health Officers in respective EZFKA states have been announced as headline acts for the 2022 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. The 2022 event, sponsored by Pfizer, will feature the best of Australia’s material from daily press conferences performed live. “It’s been non-stop comedy gold every day at 11am, so we thought why don’t we ask … Read more

“When we get to that stage, I’ll be announcing what goalposts we’ll be shifting and what freedoms will be made dependent on what booster shots are available at the time and then changing them a week later,” Andrews said.

“Absolutely selfish behaviour from these small business owners that have lost everything trying to take their own lives when there’s a pandemic on,” Karvelas said.

“The prick tried to rip off a struggling small business owner. We’re all in this together though right?,” Mark, owner of the Safe Labor Seat Café in Dandenong, said to reporters.

“I got what I wanted in the end. A few self-interested rants on Sky News during lockdown was all it took to get my own way, so fuck everyone else I’m alright Jack,” Penman said.

“Whether it’s Jerome Weimar making claims about COVID going through windows or some crusty old, overweight Police Commissioner giving threats, your IQ will lower significantly listening to that vacuous bullshit,” Dr Greg Greggson said.

“I’ve only got one trick and that’s to keep the borders closed. After that, fuck knows. I’ll call Kerry Stokes and get the West Australian to write some glowing, sycophantic bullshit to get more support,” McGowan said.

Research conducted by the Institute for No-one Intelligent Actually Believes This Shit, has shown overwhelmingly that journalists for mainstream networks have become nothing more than corporate stenographers and need a good beating.

However, critics have said that the claim is ‘the usual unscientific bullshit’ and just being used to stimulate economic activity to inflate Victoria’s GDP.

“We all know these camps are for political dissenters under the pretense of quarantine, they just come out and say it yet. And if we take that on face value and performance politically speaking, then it’s clear the Queensland Premier should be quarantined forever.”

“This is what you really sign up for. The rush of fining people who have already lost everything, taking what little income they have left and forcing them to poverty or suicide over some really unscientific bullshit. It really makes you proud of what you’re doing,” McSweeney said.

Brian Smallton, 28, was surfing with a mate off the coast when the great white attacked him, killing him almost instantly.

“I’m due for another pay rise this week, so that will really send the message to those doing the wrong thing that the fines will be increased proportionally to cover it.”

“If it’s high debt, high immigration and housing – we have you covered. There’s no real need to continue the pretense that there is a difference anymore,” Morrison said.

Modelled ‘in the true spirit of Bolshevism’ the facility will have armed guards, towers, razor wire and a ‘world class execution pit’ that will be able to process several political dissidents a day.

The former SBS presenter has denied that his support for resettlement for migrants ahead of the bankrupt middle-class, was purely a self-aggrandizing wank egged on by blue checkmarks and that he had no real idea about the nuances, costs and consequences of mass immigration.

“This is outrageous. People should be compensated for being lazy, hypochondriac arseholes that want everyone else to wear the risk while businesses are ruined,” Bandt said in a Facebook post.

“The wards are overwhelmed with snitches suffering serious facial injuries and we’re suffering a serious shortage of gauze and stitches. It’s a crisis,” NSW Health Minister Brad Hazzard said.

“This is absolutely disgraceful. Our officers are highly trained in shooting dogs for no reason and we weren’t consulted or given the opportunity to do so,” Fuller said.

“Bloody protestors putting us all at risk. They’re exactly the reason I can’t go on my caravan holiday to the Barossa Valley or the cruise to Fiji I had planned. Lock’em all up and throw away the key,” Robertson said.

“It wasn’t one of our run-of-the-mill satanic rituals that we usually broadcast prior to QandA, and this one had not been through the proper censorship screening. We’re currently consulting with lawyers from jeffrey Epstein’s estate and will release further statements later.”

Victoria Police have advised anyone approaching 100 metres of the site is warned they may be tear gassed, pepper sprayed ‘or worse.’

“We know 15 status credits fuck all to offer in exchange for permanent long term damage or death, but we’re all about off loading risk to someone else here in EZFKA.”

NSW MP Victor Dominello, who suffered Bells Palsy after receiving his COVID jab, will be the public face of a campaign encouraging teens to upload their adverse reactions to Tik Tok for a chance to win great prizes. Following on from several videos being posted last week of Year 11 and Year 12 students having … Read more

“Mate, I’m all for shutting down everyone else’s work and source of income, but closing the parks down so I can’t get the kids out of the house while I’m working form home is a bridge too far. Sack Andrews now!”

“You selfish fucking bastard! How do you wear your mask incorrectly! You’re killing grandma and putting the rest of us at risk. I hope you don’t need a ventilator in ICU while people are dying!” Matthews screamed.

“This is yet another great collaboration between Victoria Police, the People’s Armed Police and the UN Strong Cities Network. We will continue to suppress dissent of those already suppressed financially and psychologically until full demoralisation is achieved and the camps are complete,” Patton said.

Albanese said it would be on the usual ALP condition of a ticket in exchange for a vote, with the carrot of full access to the usual suite of EZFKA public services and debt.