With the Invoice to Parliament Referendum just days away, and yes voters from all over the inner suburbs of Melbourne and Sydney converging, we’d thought we’d help you decide just which type of yes voter you are.
The Jewish Supremacist
You’ve been using Aboriginals as a cultural battering ram against those gentiles you hate since the 60’s, why stop now? Mabo and native title has delivered 60% of Australia’s landmass thanks to Colin Tatz and Ron Casten, who could resist another opportunity with the Voice to ticket clip off of the remaining 40% with all the vexatious litigation against miners and farmers? You’re thinking of your mates in the legal industry in Caufield, it’s win-win.
You invented asset-stripping and have been pivotal in transforming Australia into EZFKA, the Voice is a unique opportunity to finish the job and pay for that retirement in your ethno-state Israel when you’ve vacuumed up as much wealth as you can. Frank Lowy and your brother Isi were onto something as pioneers, praise Yahweh.
If the Voice by some miracle gets up thanks to some egregious Mossad-style interference, you’ll be celebrating with an IDF airstrike on an apartment tower in the Gaza Strip and dropping some phosphorous rounds on some Palestinian teenagers.
Your role model is Shaun King and you’ve embraced your role as Australia’s own Talcum X. You’ve been celebrating your Aboriginal ancestry from the Scottish Highlands since this thing got announced from your sacred multimillion dollar farm land in Northern Tasmania. You’ve been dodging DNA tests and 23andme like any seasoned Centrelink veteran claiming Aboriginal status, and you even wrote a book on how Aboriginals were the original farmers of this land despite no evidence of grain farming tools or technqiues – who cares, it paid more than Grace and Britney’s grift!
You also claim that your ancestors were here first 650,000 years ago or whatever that arbitrary number is up to. They didn’t invent the wheel, but you sure as hell got some nice wheels out of all those Welcome to Country fees.
You’ve been here all of five minutes working at a petrol station and hate white people, but unlike Federation Square fights over Khalistan, there aren’t enough numbers of your diaspora yet to make that hate overt. So instead, jump on the current zeitgeist of the Voice while accepting government money for spruiking why this is rightfully Aboriginal land, so you can become the new generation of neo-colonial squatters. Leaving India to turn Australia into India is exactly why you left in the first place.
You moved to Australia to live in an Indian enclave in Sydney, not some remote Aboriginal community in the NT, to get the full Australian cultural experience. You drive around in a HR with ‘Vote Yes’ on it as part of your astroturfed campaign, showcasing your skill at running over the natives, as you do in the city, on your international licence.
Brown Australia good, White Australia bad. If the Voice gets up, you’ll be calling for the mass importation of Sikhs to counter the mass importation of Hindu nationalists so the media can’t call it another one-sided, imported ethnic conflict that Australia didn’t need.
You’ve been looking for a way to get back at the Anglo founding stock because envy, since you rocked up here 40 years ago with your family for your own economic self-interest. Or maybe you’re the second-generation wog who has no connection to your Mediterranean homeland, you just live off of your parent’s memories of it. Just like the Jews, you’re a wog when it suits you and white when it suits you.
Memories of being bullied at school for having funny smelling food and playing fagball still ring out in your mind, fucking Anglo bogans. Like the third world migrant, it’s time to team up and get whitey and what better way to do it than hiding behind the Jaggamurra clan from Alice Springs, that you also despise at the best of times, to do it. You cross the street to avoid the Abos, but this time you’ll be standing shoulder to shoulder with them, or at least a goon bag’s distance because you haven;t got a dollar cunt.
Your homelands are being invaded by Africa but fuck it, it’s time whitey here suffered too. South Africa 2.0 is the only solution to the Australian plight, but by that time you’ll be on Mykonos on your EU passport telling your mates how good Australia used to be, mate.
The Self-Loathing White Progressive
It’s Naarm, not Melbourne bigot. You proudly wear your ‘Always Was, Always Will Be (a self-loathing fag)’ t-shirt around Melbourne and have already moved on from your “I got vaccinated” Instagram filter to the “Vote Yes” one, whenever you find a profile photo that doesn’t showcase your mysterious case of totally-not-Pfizer-induced-Bell’s Palsy. You’re a good person, other people’s validation is critical in this low-attention span economy.
You flew over the Northern Territory once on your way to the UK, that’s about as close to an interaction you have ever had with an Aboriginal except when you replied to that ‘based’ Senator Briggs dickhead on Twitter, but it doesn’t matter you just need to be seen to be caring. Just like the country shoppers from the middle east, you never seem to have room at your place for a disadvantaged Aboriginal, that’s for what’s left of the white working class in the outer suburbs.
You’ll be taking it up with your local Teal ‘independent’ if the Voice fails while protesting the development of an Aboriginal community centre in Northcote.
You haven’t made a right call on anything, but your level of narcissism and self-importance is far too high to make a mea culpa, apologise for consistently getting shit wrong and moving on. No, Brittany Higgins is still clearly a victim of the LNP culture of sleaze and Iron Ore is still going to $20 a ton. Fuck the immigration-induced rental crisis you’re bemoaning everyday, let’s just waste $400 million plus on a referendum that will likely result in Black Lives Matters style riots across the country when the thing is blown out of the water, because “it’s worth a try.”
And if you get it wrong again, who cares? Marcia Langton, er, Dennis has your back on that and will promptly chase the dissenters that you haven’t already banned off of the blog for you.