Jokes

Read a quip by Coming re: Tasmania, and everyone being max 2 degrees of separation, and thought maybe we can exchange some of our favourite insensitive jokes. Certified to offend, as humour was supposed to be back in the day.

What do you think? Politics, religion, family, anything goes.

Or is it too risky?

I’ll start first in comments.

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A fly in your ointment

When those get a divorce, what’s the first question they usually ask?
Now that they are not a husband and a wife any more, do they remain a brother and a sister?

Vladimir

What doesn’t buzz and doesn’t fit in your ass?
A Russian ass-buzzer

Peachy

Brevity is the soul of wit

A fly in your ointment

I feel as unwitty atm

LSWCHP

I think the point being that all things Russian are defective, right down to their arse buzzers.

A fly in your ointment

yep, domestic sense there but what-for’s the reference to a “non fitment” in the intended ara of fitment?

Peachy

very good topic for a post.

I can’t ever remember any jokes myself. And when I do, my delivery is rubbish.

so I’ll just watch on here!

Last edited 1 month ago by Peachy
LSWCHP

On a sinking ship, the Anglican priest says “What shall we do with the children?” The Rabbi replies “Fuck the children” and the Catholic Priest says “Ooohhhh…do you think we have time to?”

Agent 47

If you want laughs, you can have a look at Fishing72 triggering the shit out of MB’s resident simps drsmithy and dennis over a comment about Albo.

https://www.macrobusiness.com.au/2022/08/beijings-solomons-coup-advances-as-albo-grovels/#comments

The90kwbeast

So triggered lol

Stewie

Its like a bunch of 15 year old girl’s intellectualising.

LSWCHP

That clown dennis is the smuggest, most self righteous, pompous and bitchiest girly-man I’ve ever run across in many years tooling around the intertubes. He’s the definition of the pissweak keyboard commando.

Agent 47

I initially thought the guy (?) was just an inflammatory troll but he’s legit serious .

Mentally ill at the minimum.

Roger Dodger

Good to see some other like-minds over on Macrobusines – e.g. “Ivan” in response to the triggered wokesters.

Thoroughly enjoying this thread, enjoying the humourless wokes getting a serve. Best laugh I’ve had for ages.”

A fly in your ointment

This post is seemingly interesting but don’t get excited as a cardinal in an orphanage

Jam

Mates dad used to tell me if I wanted to get a blow job to splash a bit of metho on my penis and head down to Musgrave park.

LSWCHP

There was a lot of grumbling when the $1 note was replaced by the $1 coin.

Some people just don’t like change.

Roger Dodger

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

Roger Dodger

A farmer buys a young cock – calls him “Little Red”.

As soon as he gets home the little rooster bonks all 150 of the farmer’s hens. The farmer is impressed… “This might be good for business”.

At lunch, “Little Red” does it again and knocks-off all 150 hens… “Sheez, this is impressive” says the farmer.

Shocked but amused, the farmer renames him, with a chuckle to “Little Red Rootin’ Rooster”.

Next day “Little Red Rootin’ Rooster” has dealt with the hens again, then the ducks and all the geese too… to the extent that half of them are DEAD.

The farmer is furious and decides to kill the insatiable little cock, and so grabs his shotgun setting off on a search for “Little Red Rootin’ Rooster”.

Eventually, he finds “Little Red Rootin’ Rooster” lying on the ground, facing the overhead sun, lifeless… a committee of vultures is circling overhead, getting lower and lower….

Farmer yells out, “It’s a shame, and in some ways I admire your spirit and stamina… but you deserved to die… you horny little bastard!”

Suddenly, rooster opens one eye, turning it to the farmer, and hisses…

“Shhhhhh, They’re about to land!!!”

JimsCentralBanking
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Roger Dodger

Wind-augmentation has been on the drawing-table for quite a while now.

E.g. https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg18524881-600-the-new-age-of-sail/

plaguerat

Rumour has it that they are planning to fit these innovative new vessels with high-tech weaponry.

This appears to be confirmed by photos recently smuggled out of Ukraine that purport to show the Ukrainian Navy using one of these futuristic vessels to sink the Russian cruiser “Moskva” in the Black Sea.

What will they think of next??

Ship battle.PNG
Roger Dodger

Classic. You can be in my Ministry when we take over this farked-up joint.

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plaguerat

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LSWCHP

I decided to spice up my sex life. Now when I climax I shout “I’m Cumin, I’m Cumin”.

LSWCHP

I hate people who have no toes.

Yes, I’m lack-toes intolerant.

Gouda

This afternoon I saw a transvestite in a miniskirt.
I thought that really shows some balls

Last edited 1 month ago by Gouda
Gouda

Surveys say that 99% of women kiss with their eyes closed.
That’s why it’s difficult to identify a rapist.

harry

A spider ran into the bathroom last night and yelled *allan’s snackbar* and went off.

It was a jihadi longlegs.

harry

Policeman pulls over a guy who had an alpaca in the front seat and said “Sir you can’t drive around with an alpaca, take it to the petting zoo”.

Man replied “Will do officer”.

Next day the cop finds the guy again with the alpaca in the front seat. Cop goes “WTF I said take it to the petting zoo!”

Guy goes “I did stooge, now I’m taking her to the movies”.

harry

What’s red with wheels?

A menstrual cycle.

OK I’m sorry about that one, jokes about menstruation are just not acceptable. Period.

Agent 47

Lol

FZR8MiHXwAAeigl.jpeg
Illis

I met an African girl and we just clicked

banana man

lol

Gouda

Why aren’t there any Kmarts in Afghanistan?
Because there is a Target on every corner

What’s the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
Jack Daniels is still killing Indians

plaguerat

The headmaster told me my son was thrown out of his Maths lesson because he refused to write down any number made up of 1s and 0s.

I had to explain it’s because he now identifies as non-binary.

plaguerat

Man to a very beautiful Air Hostess: Whats your name?
Air Hostess: Eva Benz..
Man: Lovely name .. Any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Air Hostess: (Smiling) Maintenance cost is the same..

Reus's Large MEMBER

What do you do if your epileptic friend is having a fit in the bath … throw in the washing

robert2013

That’s one of the best for me!

Freddy

I was about to re-marry my ex-wife until she figured out I was only after my money.

Illis

Why does an Ethopian baby boy cry?

He is having a mid-life crisis

Illis

What’s the name of a woman with one leg longer than the other?

Aileen

Illis

What is the name of a Lebanese man in a police lineup?

Wasim

Drago

A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with no clothes on, and he’s wrapped his balls in glad wrap.

“I can clearly see you’re nuts” says the Doc.

Drago

I was at the bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one person in front of me, a little Chinese lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Chinese lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”