Which type of Australian Branch Covidian Cult Member are you?

EZFKA’s newest non-ATO recognised religious organisation has really come to the fore since March 2020 – the Church of Branch Covidians.

Which flavour of COVID Kool-Aid do you most identify with?

The Vaccine Worshipper: Trademark catchphrase of “I want the Pfizer vaccine and not the AstraZeneca one” because blood clots. According to her, there’s absolutely no other way out of this nightmare other than an experimental jab which no-one other than her is liable for. Has rebooked her appointment several times until she gets said jab of choice. She hates religion, but after converting to science last year she’s filled that godless spiritual void by worshipping a billion dollar, transnational corporate entity that’s historically engaged in all manner of all that is unholy. Why? Because they are the only path to COVID salvation.

Who’s this Dr Robert Malone guy and his concerns about his own MRNA technology being completely unsafe for human consumption? Fuck that blasphemous heretic, I want that Pfizer jab and I want to let everyone know that I had it on TikTok. Refrains from making a follow-up video when her kidneys finally fail after her 5th booster shot but hey, she can go to Bali now, apparently.

Mr “Trust the Science”: Pseudo-intellectual, 105 IQ midwit takes are this fuckwit’s specialty. Any comment usually preceded with “Actually, the data says….” followed by his favourite pharmaceutical industry-financed, cherry-picked study that justifies why he’s been hiding under the bed since March 2020. Don’t mention the 99.8% survival rate, Ivermectin, HCQ, average age of COVID deaths, comorbidities and the Big Tech censorship of any dissenting views – “that’s all unscientific nonsense.” In his mind, if someone dies anytime after getting COVID then it’s a COVID death. But if someone dies after taking the jab it’s completely unrelated and heresy against the science – what the fuck would the TGA know?

The vaccine made him really sick for a couple of weeks, but that was totally worth it to avoid a disease that would have made him mildly sick for a couple of days, at worst.

Remember, trust the science – the science that suits his politics.

The Armchair Authoritarian: The wannabe ‘hard cunt’ of the lot. Spends his time telling off “bloody stupid tin foil hat anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorists” who dare question why they should undergo an experimental medical procedure, for a disease they have minimal chance of being sick or dying from in order to have their freedom of movement back. Thinks you should just “bloody get on with it” and “isn’t afraid of a little jab” but is petrified of a disease he has a 99% chance of surviving because he’s been told to be. Has spent the last 12 months going off about “the bloody Chinese take-over of the country” but wants to turn Australia into China. Regularly applauds the Police for kicking the shit out of struggling small business owners, because they should have just ‘obeyed the law’.

He loves the boot, so as long as it’s on someone else’s neck.

The Middle-Class Cosmopolitan Wanker: Unsure if he’s vaccinated? Don’t worry, he’ll tell you. Regularly posts in the comments section of The Age about how everyone should “get vaccinated for the benefit of the community,” but the cunt is really just doing it out of self-interest so he can go om his shit holidays again. Tells his friends at his vacuous Sunday morning brunch about “how hard it was to book a vaccine appointment” but made sure he took a jab selfie and posted it all over Instagram. Shares cringe satire pieces from the Bell Tower Times “smashing Pete Evans, David Avocado Wolfe and anti-vaxxers” because he’s an edgy cunt.

When vaccine passports become mandatory, he’ll be the first to screenshot his social credit score all over Facebook.

The Authority Figure Idolator: She lacked a strong father figure in life and now she’s been given a bit of a prolonged scare by the media, she’s replaced daddy with her respective state premier. Regularly comments on social media about how “government keeps people safe” and that “Mark McGowan is doing a terrific job.” Has a large photo of Brett Sutton bedside that she flicks the bean to on those lonely lockdown nights.

Also has the COVID hotline on speed dial so she can snitch on all those “non-essential” small businesses who don’t have their QR code signs up in the right place, all from the comfort of her work from home arrangement. Reminds everyone that she’s already been jabbed, but won’t be laughing in a few months time when the doctor tells her that she was rendered infertile.

The Normie Coward: Personification of obedience being virtue to the cowardly. Addicted to COVID fear porn and grimly awaits the case number announcements each day. Has all of Dan Andrews’ 2020 COVID press conferences recorded on back catalogue. “DON’T YOU KNOW THERE ARE 500,000 DEAD IN BRAZIL??!!” He knows, because he personally did the autopsy on all of them. At least, that’s what his favourite morning show tv host told him happened anyway. His Dr gave him a diagnosis of severe Stockholm Syndrome when he went and got the vaccine, but he’s not stepping out of house arrest because there’s a deadly virus out there.

He doesn’t care who Klaus Schwab is or what The Great Reset is – comply with lockdown and close down your small business, there’s a deadly pandemic on you selfish bastard. He’s stopped living, now he wants you to as well.

The Two-Party Loyalist: Never misses an opportunity to turn COVID into some kind of team red vs team blue partisan, political shit fest. Regularly chides shit-tier normie takes such as “this wouldn’t have happened if we had decent quarantine” and “the Morrison government stuffed up the rollout” and the like. He’s just an economic unit to them, but he thinks that voting harder for his political footy team at the next election will change the overall downward spiral of Australia, currently transpiring in front of him. COVID’s just another opportunity to go after Chairman Dan or Scottyfrommarketing. Despite this he still believes in democracy, COVID and other classic tales of complete fiction.

“Don’t worry we’ll sort this all out at the next election.” That’s right, eating solid shit is better than drinking diarrhea, or vice versa depending on what side of the political toilet bowl you’re circling down.

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Agent 47




Yup +1


I know all those people. ☹


same, normie cowards are probably the most common, followed by the cosmopolitan fags


Yep 🙄


swampy, MB crowd = def mostly “Middle-Class Cosmopolitan Wanker”

here’s a photographic representation

Agent 47

Swampy is the cringiest cunt on MB.


That’s a big call. There’s a lot of cringe at mb. Not sure who I’d pick though tbh.


Swampy has prime real estate on the middle of the floor in Dunning-Kruger Valley.


DLS is 100% the armchair authoritarian

A fly in your ointment

I’ve always seen him as the Kim Young Un of the free world (if this makes any sense)


Looks pretty accurate to me.


Lol this article is 🔥


Too much real life


yes yes yes hahaha


One thing is that Australia is overwhelmingly risk adverse. They just have different camps of their risk tolerance i.e. different shades of zero risk. The rest of the world has already devised and are executing plans to live with Covid. I had medical professionals tell me one year ago that we need to learn to live with Covid, yet here we are one year still doing the same stuff and with the zero risk mentality. Our plans released on Friday are so risk adverse and full of qualitative statements that snap lockdowns are assured for the next three years.


I grew up thinking Australia’s had that fundamental “she’ll be right attitude” but after leaving school and experiencing the workforce, found out pretty quickly that it was a farce.
this has been a long time coming.
I only hope the charade doesn’t come back. Australia’s real national character is now fully on display, fully exposed. no amount of spin and PR can pretend otherwise.


Absolutely. I had a chat with a mate living overseas who was wanting to come home. He couldn’t believe how cruel and callous Australia is being just to say it is doing a good job with Covid. We are not even letting our own citizens travel interstate to farewell a loved one. And yet this callousness is electorally popular. We are just economic units and not compassionate ones at that.


I am living overseas. But I am not one of these 36,000 or whatever who are stranded, and am not in a desperate situation that I need to be back in Australia.
that said, not being able to come back to Au, without spending two weeks in jail, without an end in sight to this, is hard to fathom. but it’s the policy, and its supported. I live with it. I hate it.

Agent 47

36000. 35000 of which are Indians that left 10 years ago.


They are already talking about third doses in the UK now. Where does this madness end, weekly boosters or say goodbye to your social credit score?


it won’t even be that … your coworkers and acquaintances will rat on you if you’re not vaccinated. so you’ll lose your job etc. crystalnacht again. no need for sophisticated tracking apps and social credit scores.


No kidding. I’m already resigned to the fact that I’ll never be allowed back into Canada without a jab.

Last edited 2 years ago by canuckdownunder

People have been giving their personal information as part of the QR checkin. The cops have now used the information. In QLD the cops used it as one lost his gun in the Miriam Vale pub. So much for our information to be only used for contact tracing.


i dont have a smartphone so have to use the writing pads, my way around it is to scribble my name and number so both are not legible but in such a way that i havent deliberately commited fraud.


just get an old school nokia, or an ubuntu phone 🙂

but yes, those apps will be used just as Singapore has already used it to track down whatever they want.


QLD has made it mandatory to use thee QR checkin. No safeguards on the data and barely an objection. Will be easy to roll out social credit scores in this country.

Chinese Astroturfer

Unless there is someone watching over to make sure you check in before allowing you in, just walk on through.

No-one will ever confront you about it even if they are unhappy about it.

If it did come to that you’d just say you forgot. Thanks for reminding me, then put your phone up for a few seconds and pretend to check in.


It was one dose until some middle management genius at a pharma company realised that they could double there profit by making it two doses. Now it is three doses and as you mentioned will become periodic doses soon as the money to be made by pharma companies is astronomical. It is all just corruption at the end of the day, and pharma are up there with the MIC and finance when it comes to being the best at corruption of politics.

Boyd Scott


Last edited 2 years ago by Sysyphus

What has happened in the past year and a half I can only describe as mass psychosis.

If I wasn’t already very circumspect of herd mentality, these times have made my jaw drop and frankly scared me shitless in regards to my fellow human beings and how they can be made to act en masse.
It’s one thing to know it from history but it is another thing to see it repeated again with your own eyes.

If people were scared a year ago that is totally understandable because it was something new and we didn’t know how this was going to play out. But now we have a lot of data and this should be used to improve our understanding and policy towards it. How the hell can we have a zero Covid policy, how delusional is that FFS.

There is so much science and knowledgable people being censored, there is only one narrative allowed while science is supposed to be ever evolving.

This should tell you that it is not all about the virus but it is used as an excuse to get more control. “Never let a good crisis go to waste” etc.

If it has taught me anything it is that the further I can remove myself from ‘big city’ civilisation the happier I’ll be.


There has been idea, I don’t know where it comes from, that a large swathe of a population will be in support of a totalitarian government or leader. It gives them meaning that they are ‘part of something’. It also allows them to recuse themselves of personal responsibility, i.e. ‘the government will do it for me’ or if something goes awry, ‘it’s the governments fault, not mine’. Its a seductive way to live, somewhat easy, lazy.

A lot of people actually like this crisis: they like to be part of something; they like to be told what to do.

As for Australia, as far as I can see, right now it is a tyranny of the majority. The governments, state and federal, seem to be doing the bidding of what the majority want. Although there is of course a vicious circle where the population has been cowered into this way of thinking due to media, government statements, etc.


“There has been idea, I don’t know where it comes from, that a large swathe of a population will be in support of a totalitarian government or leader. It gives them meaning that they are ‘part of something’. It also allows them to recuse themselves of personal responsibility, i.e. ‘the government will do it for me’ or if something goes awry, ‘it’s the governments fault, not mine’. Its a seductive way to live, somewhat easy, lazy.”

I think this is what you could call a form of ‘learned helplessness’* and our mode of education has a lot to answer for in that regard in my opinion.

Democracy is in effect tyranny of the majority: 51% of the people can decide how the other 49% should live, it’s not ideal.
Or: “Two wolves and one sheep voting what’s for dinner”.
And I don’t really oppose that because what is the alternative really?

But you need a well informed populace to be able to make the right choices. A populace that knows the basics of economics, history, human nature etc. And a people that also realises, and this is very important, to make the right decisions for the long term, not just short term. And even more importantly to be able to not just think of themselves when they vote but about the country as a whole. Impossible! I know.

A lot to ask for, and most definitely too much to ask for.
As for now humanity seems to be stuck on a merry-go-round and make the same mistakes over and over again.

* https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/learned-helplessness

Last edited 2 years ago by BING!

looking at some of the news articles I always wonder:
why do ppl driving by themselves in their own car WEAR MASKS?!?!?!?!?!?!!?


That is the most idiotic thing I have seen also.


This is gold! My hat is off to you my friend