EZFKA’s newest non-ATO recognised religious organisation has really come to the fore since March 2020 – the Church of Branch Covidians.
Which flavour of COVID Kool-Aid do you most identify with?
The Vaccine Worshipper: Trademark catchphrase of “I want the Pfizer vaccine and not the AstraZeneca one” because blood clots. According to her, there’s absolutely no other way out of this nightmare other than an experimental jab which no-one other than her is liable for. Has rebooked her appointment several times until she gets said jab of choice. She hates religion, but after converting to science last year she’s filled that godless spiritual void by worshipping a billion dollar, transnational corporate entity that’s historically engaged in all manner of all that is unholy. Why? Because they are the only path to COVID salvation.
Who’s this Dr Robert Malone guy and his concerns about his own MRNA technology being completely unsafe for human consumption? Fuck that blasphemous heretic, I want that Pfizer jab and I want to let everyone know that I had it on TikTok. Refrains from making a follow-up video when her kidneys finally fail after her 5th booster shot but hey, she can go to Bali now, apparently.
Mr “Trust the Science”: Pseudo-intellectual, 105 IQ midwit takes are this fuckwit’s specialty. Any comment usually preceded with “Actually, the data says….” followed by his favourite pharmaceutical industry-financed, cherry-picked study that justifies why he’s been hiding under the bed since March 2020. Don’t mention the 99.8% survival rate, Ivermectin, HCQ, average age of COVID deaths, comorbidities and the Big Tech censorship of any dissenting views – “that’s all unscientific nonsense.” In his mind, if someone dies anytime after getting COVID then it’s a COVID death. But if someone dies after taking the jab it’s completely unrelated and heresy against the science – what the fuck would the TGA know?
The vaccine made him really sick for a couple of weeks, but that was totally worth it to avoid a disease that would have made him mildly sick for a couple of days, at worst.
Remember, trust the science – the science that suits his politics.
The Armchair Authoritarian: The wannabe ‘hard cunt’ of the lot. Spends his time telling off “bloody stupid tin foil hat anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorists” who dare question why they should undergo an experimental medical procedure, for a disease they have minimal chance of being sick or dying from in order to have their freedom of movement back. Thinks you should just “bloody get on with it” and “isn’t afraid of a little jab” but is petrified of a disease he has a 99% chance of surviving because he’s been told to be. Has spent the last 12 months going off about “the bloody Chinese take-over of the country” but wants to turn Australia into China. Regularly applauds the Police for kicking the shit out of struggling small business owners, because they should have just ‘obeyed the law’.
He loves the boot, so as long as it’s on someone else’s neck.
The Middle-Class Cosmopolitan Wanker: Unsure if he’s vaccinated? Don’t worry, he’ll tell you. Regularly posts in the comments section of The Age about how everyone should “get vaccinated for the benefit of the community,” but the cunt is really just doing it out of self-interest so he can go om his shit holidays again. Tells his friends at his vacuous Sunday morning brunch about “how hard it was to book a vaccine appointment” but made sure he took a jab selfie and posted it all over Instagram. Shares cringe satire pieces from the Bell Tower Times “smashing Pete Evans, David Avocado Wolfe and anti-vaxxers” because he’s an edgy cunt.
When vaccine passports become mandatory, he’ll be the first to screenshot his social credit score all over Facebook.
The Authority Figure Idolator: She lacked a strong father figure in life and now she’s been given a bit of a prolonged scare by the media, she’s replaced daddy with her respective state premier. Regularly comments on social media about how “government keeps people safe” and that “Mark McGowan is doing a terrific job.” Has a large photo of Brett Sutton bedside that she flicks the bean to on those lonely lockdown nights.
Also has the COVID hotline on speed dial so she can snitch on all those “non-essential” small businesses who don’t have their QR code signs up in the right place, all from the comfort of her work from home arrangement. Reminds everyone that she’s already been jabbed, but won’t be laughing in a few months time when the doctor tells her that she was rendered infertile.
The Normie Coward: Personification of obedience being virtue to the cowardly. Addicted to COVID fear porn and grimly awaits the case number announcements each day. Has all of Dan Andrews’ 2020 COVID press conferences recorded on back catalogue. “DON’T YOU KNOW THERE ARE 500,000 DEAD IN BRAZIL??!!” He knows, because he personally did the autopsy on all of them. At least, that’s what his favourite morning show tv host told him happened anyway. His Dr gave him a diagnosis of severe Stockholm Syndrome when he went and got the vaccine, but he’s not stepping out of house arrest because there’s a deadly virus out there.
He doesn’t care who Klaus Schwab is or what The Great Reset is – comply with lockdown and close down your small business, there’s a deadly pandemic on you selfish bastard. He’s stopped living, now he wants you to as well.
The Two-Party Loyalist: Never misses an opportunity to turn COVID into some kind of team red vs team blue partisan, political shit fest. Regularly chides shit-tier normie takes such as “this wouldn’t have happened if we had decent quarantine” and “the Morrison government stuffed up the rollout” and the like. He’s just an economic unit to them, but he thinks that voting harder for his political footy team at the next election will change the overall downward spiral of Australia, currently transpiring in front of him. COVID’s just another opportunity to go after Chairman Dan or Scottyfrommarketing. Despite this he still believes in democracy, COVID and other classic tales of complete fiction.
“Don’t worry we’ll sort this all out at the next election.” That’s right, eating solid shit is better than drinking diarrhea, or vice versa depending on what side of the political toilet bowl you’re circling down.