Responding to worrying emerging reports of a shortage of caucasian sperm in the southern EZFKA province of Victoria, Anthony Albanese called a rare weekend press conference.
The impromptu conference was held at the sidelines of a Marrickville auction which Mr Albanese had participated in, looking to snag another investment property. As usual, the auction was well attended by ABC, Murdoch and Fairfax journalists, which made the discussion possible.
The Prime Minister told assembled journalists that his government was listening and responding promptly to the population’s concerns and the permanent migrant would be increased by 15,000 to ensure that sufficient sperm was available. Mr Albanese said that officials had been instructed to continue to keep the gender mix to at least 80% male and that previous sexual violence offence convictions would be viewed favourably, as a marker of strong virility.
When questioned on what steps would be taken to ensure that the imported sperm donors were sufficiently caucasian, Mr Albanese blasted the suggestion as being racist and having no place on modern society. “Those barren southern province women will have to let go of their inappropriate prejudices and take the sperm that the government provides”, the PM said.
The PM also revealed that Treasury and RBA advice confirmed that hedonic quality adjustment and substitution effects meant that 3ml of caucasian sperm could be reliably replaced by 2.6ml – 4.3ml of other sperm, meaning insistence on caucasian sperm was not only racist but unscientific and backward. Treasury expected EZFKA units to quickly adjust and happily trade sperm types, just as they preciously have traded houses for townhouses, units for apartments, red meat every day for chicken twice a week and their heroes for goals.
ACCC confirmed that starting in October 2022, donated sperm would be exempt from consumer labelling and place of origin laws.