AFL umpires to wear defibrillators for 2022 season to fight climate change

Umpires will be made to wear personal defibrillators to assist players on the field to fight climate change during EZFKAFL games in 2022.

EZFKAFL CEO Gillon McLachlan has rejected claims that the move was purely to head off embarrassing on-field collapses unrelated to mandates and purely about reducing carbon emissions.

“The EZFKAFL is serious about it’s commitment to fighting climate change and the science has shown that personal defibrillators help reduce carbon emissions on the footy field,” MacLachlan said.

“Sure, not wearing them would reduce carbon emissions from some players permanently but we’re all in this together and there is no planet b.”

Meanwhile, McLachlan has stated he will personally be wearing brown pants for the rest of the year.

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When does the EZFKAFL season actually start? Is it soon?

Agent 47

Two weeks time.

The NRL is already trying to soften the blow it seems. I doubt any of the club’s will report on it.


Thanks A47.

Agent 47

Dont worry I’ll be cataloguing dodgy collapses.


Close to 100% of NRL players have already contracted the virus. Probably done intentionally to minimise disruption throughout the season. I would expect them to report some cases throughout the season to create the illusion that they still GAF but I am sure they will ignore positive cases throughout the finals.

Agent 47

I’d say first collapse by third week of the season.


I wonder if the TAB will take bets on it.

Shae The Burmese

Easy fixed. Anyone who drops mid-field can just claim they’re “standing (lying down) with Ukraine”.


Sport is the placebo of the modern masses. It is strangely fascinating how enthusiastic the average EZFKA unit is for some ‘local’ team, which is generally made up of zero local players.


I look forward to the day, not too far into the future, when the Australian cricket team, populated entirely by ethnic Indian migrants, take on the English cricket team, entirely populated by ethnic Pakistanis, for the Ashes.

Agent 47

France is way ahead on that front.


Definitely will happen soon for the Victorian cricket team, but will take a while for the QLD cricket team. I think it won’t be long before we have quotas as fielding 11 white players does not reflect modern Australia or something to that effect.

Agent 47

The white players will be forced to kneel during the anthem. Which will be India’s by that time.


In case the drop form a sudden COVAXX heart attack.


God these people really believe the masses are that fucking stupid….. Are we?