New “fear porn withdrawal” variant discovered in NSW after government cancels daily press conference

The EZFKA region of NSW is in crisis after a new “fear porn withdrawal’ variant of COVID has broken out across the state, with thousands of cases reported.

Symptoms of the new variant include obsession with case numbers, shaming others for not wearing masks and compulsive calling of Crimestoppers to snitch on those not complying with Public Health Orders.

“We’re inundated with admissions from mainly 25–55-year-old men and women who have been glued to their television for the last few months desperate to feel afraid,” Dr John Morse said.

“They’ve been getting tested daily and hiding under their bed for the last two months. So, not having someone to tell them how afraid to be each day has tipped them really over the edge.”

Premier Gladys Berejiklian has been monitoring the situation and said she will consider re-instating the press conference ‘once this thing with Daryl Maguire blows over.’

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