Lifeline Australia is putting on extra staff this evening in anticipation of Novak Djokovic winning the Australian Open.
The organisation expects to field a record number of calls from triple vaccinated Victorians considering self-harm, should Djokovic win the title after being banned for not taking the jab.
“In spite of staff shortages, we’ve managed to source some despatch operators to handle an expected increase in vaccinated people from Melbourne unable to deal with the problem,” a spokesman said.
“I mean, Victoria is full of self-loathing, rule-following, gutless fags who rubbed one out to Dan Andrews press conferences for two years so it’s no surprise the bulk of calls will be from there.”
Bill Gates has also called for a new pandemic in the case of a Djokovic win and has reportedly been in talks with Daniel Andrews for a new bioweapon facility at the Moderna plant, currently being built in Melbourne.